


A Vision Softly Creeping (he dreams of falling)

by Kritty



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes & Winter Soldier are Different Personalities, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Gen, Identity Issues, On the Run, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve is barely in this I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27308962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kritty/pseuds/Kritty
Summary: Letting go of the Asset and becoming James Barnes again might be slightly more than a five-step program.(This is set between CA: TWS and Steve finding the Winter Soldier in CA: CW).
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers
Kudos: 7





	A Vision Softly Creeping (he dreams of falling)

**Author's Note:**

> The ending is supposed to be that way.
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, I don't earn any money. 
> 
> English is not my first language, so please excuse any mistakes :)  
>    
> Thank you to Finiaa for being my beta-reader on this. Love you.  
> ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
> 

_Hello darkness, my old friend,  
I've come to talk with you again,  
Because a vision softly creeping,  
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,  
And the vision that was planted in my brain  
Still remains  
Within the sound of silence._  
(Paul Simon, "Sound of Silence")

~~~~~~

**I – III.**

At first, he just walks. He isn't bothered by the darkness at night.  
And he isn't bothered by the people during the day – after all, he's used to blending in, being The American. Hints of fake smiles, soft words spoken in English and polite _Hello_ s, _Yes_ and _Thank you_ s. It's only muscle memory, he knows this and maybe wants to be terrified but isn't.

He goes to the appointed safehouse, but it's not a safehouse anymore he supposes. He doesn't think his Handler, the almost nice man (no he's not nice, not nice at all) wearing a suit and offering him milk _(he's not supposed to take the milk though)_ , will contact him – but he can't be sure. So he goes to the safehouse and waits. And waits a bit more.  
After a while he sheds the uniform, buries almost all of his weapons and tries to think _(he's not used to it, not for long periods of time)_. He ponders over the fact whether he should be an _it_ again, but his thoughts screech to a halt.  
Some time later he's sure that nobody will come, nobody will punish him for failing his mission. Somewhere in his mind he knows that he should be utterly relieved but he feels almost nothing. He only feels a weird sort of _needhandled_ , the need to run away and never look back. The need to look for the man he pulled out of the water, Steven Rogers also known as Captain America _(he had thought he was smaller)_ and he needs to dive into that water and die because The Target was supposed to be only a Target and not a man with a face and a voice that makes his world explode into sharp confusing edges.

In the end he steals what turns out to be a hoodie and an ill-fitting jacket, and jeans, and leaves the safehouse. He's The American again, strolling around the streets, mind always buzzing with frightening emptiness _(he knows what it feels like, being scared, but it takes him a few hours to name the feeling)_. There's no destination, just endless walking, and from time to time sitting down.

He's doesn't say a word this time, the smiles falter and vanish too _(not really, it's only muscle memory after all)_ and in the end he just keeps going.

Sometimes he takes the Sub, but he gets anxious, doesn't like being in the tiny wagons with too many people. He still goes back on the Sub every time, something pulling him towards it.  
On his third day, there's something tagging on his mind while sitting there _(a rush, a dark feeling of looking into blue eyes and loosing his grip on something, terrified yelling, falling)and -_  
he's out even before the doors are fully open, sweating and lip bleeding from biting on it.

He's not taking the Sub after that, not the train or anything like it.  
He goes by foot again, instead, until he looks down because his right foot hurts and a little bit of panic reaches the clouded depths of his mind _(he seldom had to deal with pain on his own, it just didn't happen that much, because he had never factually been really alone - while feeling agonisingly lonely)_. He seeks out a dark alley and lets himself down on the dirty ground, behind tons of trash. After staring at a dead mouse in the moonlight for a while he closes his eyes _(he doesn't remember how to fall asleep, he only remembers how to endure the coldness, going into stand-by)_ and -

**IV.**

\- when he opens his eyes again, there's an old man wearing dirty clothes staring down at him.

He tries to react, but he doesn't find a protocol for this kind of situation in his mind _(he's really starting to malfunction, he needs a Handler)_. There's a short span of disconnect, a hard and painful jolt of panic, and it must have shown on his face, because the toothless man flinches, turns around and hurries away.  
With blinking eyes he looks after the man and then looks down at his own appearance, catching the silver glimmer of The Weapon.

He thinks that maybe his arm is getting too much attention after all, so he stands up. He's surprised by the wave of dizziness, but his foot seems to be okay again, so he starts to walk and doesn't stop marching until he finds a pair of gloves.

He can't slip into The American's personality as easy as before anymore. He tries to, this time (talking and pretending to be polite is a necessity after all.). Sometimes he stumbles over his words, there's a stutter that makes his heart beat faster than normal but he really, really tries _(there's something in him that pushes him forward and he doesn't mind even though he probably should)_.

Somewhere along the line _(‘until the end of the line’, what does it mean?)_ he finds a place and goes into stand-by again _(no, he falls unconscious – no, he falls asleep)_.

When he wakes up, something is different. His mind goes into stand-by for real this time, The American has vanished, The Asset is on the brink of vanishing too. There’s nobody and nothing to be for him, so stand-by is all there is _(somewhere in his mind, James Buchanan Barnes is growling at him, screaming at him to let him be again)_.

It’s the first time he’s dreaming during stand-by, though, when his mind goes blank again.

He dreams of falling.  
Steve will later tell him those are called nightmares, since he wakes up making strange sounds and having a weird taste in his mouth all the time. Steve will also tell him it was just a matter of time, after all, it was a horrible fall from that train _(Steve doesn’t want to think of the other horrible things, Not-The-Asset-Anymore later notices)_. He wants to laugh then, because yes, he dreams of falling, but you can fall from more things than only a train, and he hasn't been only James Buchanan Barnes in his life time.

Mostly, he doesn't dream of The Train anyways. He knows about The Train, read about it. _“Seargant James Buchanan Barnes fell from a train in motion, after defending Captain America.”_  
Instead, he dreams of his own fall, the Soldiers, The Asset’s fall. Right into the Lake, after the Target _(no, his name is Captain Steve Rogers, loyal friend of Seargant Barnes)_ fell. The wind blew heavily and the sudden terror of déja vue and there was sudden fear because _he had misbehaved, he had made a mistake, he-_  
He's having a constant déja vue of a déja vue and it's making him want to beat his fist into some walls. Instead, he shakes off the stand-by and blinks, missing a few moments.

He’s standing up again, walking away from one place to sleep after the other, not sure who he is anymore. And he doesn’t know yet, that Steve will tell him about the nightmares, later. He doesn’t know yet, that he will be found. He is still trying to find Captain America, without knowing it.

A voice in his head tells him he's doing this for The Mission, another one is telling him he's not, because his handlers are gone and there's nobody to punish him, no one to tell him about The Mission. He ignores both voices and concentrates on the pain at the base of his metallic arm. The soft and scarred flesh is red and sore, he doesn't remember it ever being like this.

**V.**

Killing people made everything so easy.  
He would go into a dim lit shop, needing a clean piece of cloth or a weapon of any kind and just shoot the guy standing behind the counter, looking at him with big eyes. Or the pimpled kid chewing gum, almost pissing himself.  
He remembers now, that this wasn't what he was supposed to do, because it was filthy and messy and HYDRA didn't want to leave behind any traces. So his brain was corrected _(it wasn't right, you don't do that to a person – but he wasn't a person was he?)_. He was wiped, he would later call it. From then on he either slipped into buildings without anyone noticing or got rid of the body.  
Sometimes he was messy on purpose. He would never know if this was to get wiped or to rebel. But he was sure it had been Barnes punishing him _(self?)_. 

He thinks of Killing And Shooting People while entering shops as if he was a Normal Person. Staring at the lady behind the counter makes him want to throw up, and he doesn’t know why. His clothes are too tight, everything is too warm _(he needs to be wiped and put back into the cold)_.

Killing people made everything so easy. _In, shooting them, doing the mission, out._  
The Asset misses leading the easier life, but he is vanishing, slowly. James Buchanan Barnes might be weeping and growling and puking somewhere in the darkest corners of the Soldier's mind. The Asset is vanishing and he doesn’t want it to vanish, doesn’t want to let Barnes _be_. Yet.

Still.  
One day he wakes up from stand-by and there’s half The Asset and half James Buchanan Barnes. Thoughts of plums race through his mind and vage memories of trains and snow make him jittery, The Mission turns into _Who is Steve? Why is he bigger now? The Man On The Brigde is Steve._  
There’s people calling themselves the Howling Commandoes, a lady with a kind but stern face looking at Steve in a weird way, there’s Steve telling him _until the end of the line_.

He still doesn’t know what it means.

There’s visions of the The Asset and a vision of James Buchanan Barnes creeping up on him and the world slides into focus more and more, his hearts beginning to beat a normal pace and his mind catching up slowly.

And then-  
The Mission _(no, Steve)_ , is standing in front of the fridge, back turned to him.

____  
end.


End file.
